The Kitchenmorphs Saga
by EEQ
Summary: Jack, Marcus, Casey, Rochelle and Toby are five semi-normal teens who have to fight off the Jerks! Each is a parody on a specific book.
1. #1--The Invasion (We Think)

*A/N* This episode directly parodies book #1

Remember, please, I used to be a huge fan of the Animorphs, and I wrote this at that time. I was merely in a silly mood and there seemed a lot that I could parody!

The Kitchenmorphs #1 --- "The Invasion (We think)"

My name is Jack. I can't tell you more than that. If I did, the Jerks would come and tickle me.

It all started when my best friend Marcus and I were hanging out at the coffee shop. We were having a competition to see who could eat the most fries before throwing up. My cousin Rochelle and her hot babe of a best friend Casey were watching us and laughing their heads off.

We began to walk home together, because coincidentally we all lived pretty close to one another. On the way we bumped into Toby, a wimp I had rescued from a bunch of bullies when they were threatening to pull his pants down at school. Naturally, being the macho leader type that I am, I couldn't let the poor guy suffer, so I calmly and casually beat the crap out of his offenders.

We decided that night to cut through the abandoned donut place, something we may always regret. 

Toby was walking along, gazing at the sky, when he ran into a pole. As he recovered, he pointed above him and went into hysterical giggles. A purple and pink polka dotted spaceship was landing not far away. A huge blue cow with seven eyes and a sword growing out of his forehead came out.

He fell to the ground laughing. Casey, who was a huge nature nut, ran to him.

"He's hurt!" she cried, and being the morbid and highly curious teenagers that we all are, we decided to crowd around and look.

{You can't help me. I've been tickled by the Jerks.}

"He's talking in my head!" yelled Toby.

{Quiet, Toby. The Jerks are almost here. They are frog-like creatures that climb into the throat of a living thing and control everything except its eating habits.}

"How horrible! What can we do? How do we kill those filthy frogs?" She demanded. Rochelle had always been a little bloodthirsty.

{I am from a race called the Analise. We fight the Jerks. Someday my people will come to Earth...My name is Fang Roar. I have a tool that will be useful to you. Go into my spaceship and bring out the purple running shoe.} Fang Roar directed that last part at me. 

I ran into the spaceship and found the shoe. The fumes radiating from it were nothing short of nasty.

{Now, everyone smell it,} Fang Roar directed, holding up the shoe.

"What, are you nuts?" Marcus demanded. "I'm not smelling THAT!"

"Just do what he says," I said, in a no-nonsense voice. Marcus gave me a dirty look but stopped arguing. We all gathered around, inhaled deeply, then staggered backward, gagging.

{Now you have the power to morph anything in a kitchen. Never stay in morph longer than two seconds or you will be stuck until the first of July. Hurry, hide! Spitter 27 is coming!}

We left Fang Roar and hid behind a bush. Toby stayed behind for a moment, and Fang Roar touched his head gently. Toby went flying and landed on his butt beside Rochelle.

"Ouch," he whispered.

A green spaceship shaped like an eggbeater landed, and an Analise stepped out.

{Ha! Prince Fang Roar Sirnanial Shimatal! I, Spitter 27, have the pleasure of now turning into an oven and roasting you alive!}

Spitter 27 did his dirty work, and we all watched in horror. Toby was rolling around on the ground sobbing hysterically. Rochelle smacked him and he calmed down.

A weird looking thing, resembling a slot machine of wheels with two blades coming out of its screen, approached our bush.

"Fang Roar told me that those are the Fork-Unclear," Toby whispered.

"Shh," I said.

The Fork-Unclear came very close. We all stood and ran as fast as we could, and we were way too fast for the stupid slot machine.

The next day I woke late, and hoped it was all a dream, until Toby came into my room.

"It's not a dream, Jack," he said, and he turned into a toaster. {Jack, you have to try this, it's amazing!} 

"All right...I've always wanted to be a microwave," I mumbled, still not believing.

{Go to your kitchen and acquire the microwave. You just have to touch it,} Toby explained.

When I returned to my room, Toby was sitting on the floor wearing a long frilly pink nightgown.

"This happens after a morph," he explained. "Your normal clothes disappear and you're left with this. It's a bit of a disadvantage."

I then concentrated hard, and turned into my microwave. As soon as I was in morph I morphed back, remembering Fang Roar's warning about only staying in morph for two seconds.

"How can we do anything if we're only able to stay in morph for two seconds?" I asked Toby.

"Fang Roar told me he'd made a mistake. We can only stay in morph two days. On the first of July we come unstuck for two and a half hours...Then we're stuck again." Toby frowned. "Fang Roar told me some other stuff two...can you arrange a meeting? You're our leader, you know."

I smiled. Me, leader? That sounded about right. "We'll go to Casey's restaurant."

One hour later all of us were in a secluded spot of Casey's restaurant, and Toby was telling us all of what Fang Roar had told him.

"The Jerks' strongest weapon sis something called tickling. They hit you with a gun called a Racon Screem and you laugh until you burst. The Jerks have one weakness. They need to go to the Jerk Jacuzzi every thirty days to soak up Kantdrowna drops. The Kantdrowna is like a cloud that rains on them."

"How do we find the Jerk Jacuzzi?" Rochelle asked.

"We spy. Tomorrow I morph blender, and I'll stay in the school's cafeteria kitchen," I said. Everyone agreed. We all went home.

The next day, I seriously regretted my choice. Blenders are not pleasant things to be. They are used constantly, and are very loud. I was literally giving myself a headache (well I would have if I'd had a head to ache) when two women came in and started talking.

"Spitter 27 says that tomorrow the Kantdrowna will be ready. It's supposed to be under this cafeteria," the first woman said.

"Where's the entrance?" asked the second woman. The first woman went to the closet, opened it and cleared it, and there was a secret door hidden in behind.

Those Jerks! I could have kissed them! They had just shown me exactly what I wanted to know.

That night, we all me outside the school.

"We can call ourselves the Kitchenmorphs," Marcus said.

I tried the word out. Kitchenmorphs. It sounded stupid, but for lack of a better title, it would have to do.

Toby was already morphed into a can opener. I had a very bad feeling, but blamed it on the bean burrito I'd had for lunch.

We were down in the cave, which held the Jerk Jacuzzi, and arguing over what to do next, when I noticed that Casey was missing.

"Where's Casey?" I whispered.

"She said she had to go to the bathroom," Rochelle replied.

I then saw a man leading Casey to the Jacuzzi by the elbow.

"Crap!" I announced. "Everyone to the bar! Morph something useful, then we go and rescue Casey!"

Rochelle morphed a pot of boiling water, Marcus became an electric mixer, Toby stayed the can opener, and I became a steak knife.

We found that we could fly around in morph, so we did just that. I was cutting the guy who had Casey when I saw IT. My brother Tim, and principal Slapband, directing people around the Jerk Jacuzzi.

{NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!} I wailed. I would have gone over, but I had to finish saving Casey first.

She went somewhere safe and morphed into a frying pan.

I desperately tried to save Tim, and everyone helped. Rochelle poured boiling water in people's faces, Casey hit people, and Toby and Marcus cut people. I chopped continuously, but it was no use.

Spitter 27 then decided it was a good time to make an appearance. I began to loathe that guy's timing.

{So, some Analise escaped! Well, not for long. I picked up this morph on a kitchen planet called Soupy. Do you like it?}

Spitter 27 morphed into what looked like an over sized microwave with a large spout growing out of the side. Fire shot from that spout.

He thinks we're Analise, I thought numbly.

{We have to run!} yelled Casey.

{But Tiiiiiiim!} I yelled back.

{Someday we'll help Tim, but right now we have to leave!} Rochelle said, and they all dragged me away. 

We flew to a safe place and demorphed. Only then did we realize that Toby was missing. We walked up and down the streets, risking being seen in our frilly pink nightgowns, and called his name. (Please, do NOT try and get a mental image right now) He wasn't anywhere to be found. A sense of dread crept through my mind as we went slowly home.

Three days later, there was a loud bang at my window. I almost messed my pants until I went to it and discovered Toby the can opener floating outside.

{Hi, Jack.}

"Toby! You're okay. You can morph back now, you're safe!" Even as I said it, I knew.

{I can't, Jack. I've tried.}

I looked at the can opener that was now my friend Toby. "No," I whispered, and I began to cry. I cried for forty minutes.

{Jack,} Toby said. {Please stop bawling. It's not so bad...}

"You're a can opener!"

{Jack, there's nothing we can do. On the first of July I'll be human for two and a half hours...at least that's something.}

I nodded, wiped the tears from my eyes, and blew my nose on my sleeve.

That's how five semi-normal teenagers became the Kitchenmorphs. So now you know. Remember, together we can kick the slimy Jerks' butts.

The Jerks are among us.


	2. #2--The Message, The Cry For Help...etc

*A/N This story directly parodies book #4*

Kitchenmorphs #2 -- "The Message...or The Cry for Help...or We Heard a Voice in Our Heads and Now We Think We're Nuts"

My name is Casey. That's all I can tell you, for alas, I fight the evil frog like creatures called the Jerks. I was never very good at explaining those types of things; you'll have to ask the others about the Jerks.

I have a stupidly amazing (or is it amazingly stupid?) story to tell you about Wax.

It all started a few weeks after the incident with the Jerk Jacuzzi, when poor Toby got stuck in can opener morph. If we stay in morph longer than two days, we get stuck.

Anyway, back to the story. I'd been having hallucinations every once in a while, and hadn't told anyone yet. Jack Marcus, Rochelle and Toby were all at my house and we were watching the news. Jack had taped it and there was a story about some people finding part of a ship. It was pink and purple polka dotted...Like Fang Roar's!

"What does it mean? It's not Fang Roar's ship, that's for sure," I said. We had all witnessed the Jerks destroying Fang Roar's ship with our own eyes.

{I don't know,} Toby said, using his silent speak to talk directly into our heads. {Maybe--} he stopped mid-sentence and fell to the ground. I also collapsed.

It was one of the hallucinations. A voice said to me {Help! I'm stuck in the ocean!} over and over, and all I could see was water.

When I opened my eyes, everyone was standing around me, and Rochelle was holding Toby the can opener in her hands.

"Are you all right?" Jack asked.

I shook my head, then sat up. "I'm nuts, I'm crazy. I've been having hallucinations...delusions!"

{You're not crazy, Casey. I've been seeing them too, and I think it's a cry for help,} Toby said.

"What do you see?" Marcus asked.

"A voice says 'help, I'm stuck in the ocean', and then there's this view of water," I explained.

"That means that whoever is calling is stuck in the ocean," Rochelle said.

Jack nodded. "You're right. Whoever is calling must be stuck in the ocean. We'll need ocean morphs."

"Dolphins!" Rochelle exclaimed.

"We're the Kitchenmorphs, Rochelle, we can't morph dolphins!"

"Whoops, sorry Jack."

"What about sardines?" Marcus asked. "They're in a kitchen, right?"

"NO! It's against my strict moral codes to morph intelligent beings!" I cried.

"Sardines are dead though, aren't they? How intelligent is something dead?" Rochelle asked.

"If they're dead, then they're no use to us," Jack said. "We morph straws."

Rochelle yelled "THEN LET'S GO!" and ran out the door.

"Rochelle!" I called. "We have straws in the kitchen!"

She ran back in. "Ooops."

"I wanna be a pink straw!" Marcus yelled and raced Rochelle into the kitchen. Rochelle won because she cheated and sent him sprawling to the floor.

{I can't come on this mission,} Toby complained. {I'll rust in the water.}

"That's okay Toby, you help us in lots of other way!"

{No I don't.}

"Yes, you do."

{Don't.}

"Do."

{Don't.}

"Do."

{Don't to infinity!}

"Toby and Rochelle shut up!" Jack yelled.

After we acquired the straws, we headed down to the beach. Toby floated up a tree and said he'd wait there for us to return.

We sawn. Well, we were straws, we didn't actually swim. I guess we sort of floated through the water. Although floating means on top, doesn't it? So I guess we glided through the water...OH WHATEVER!

After about half an hour, Jack yelled {Ouch!}

We all rushed over to him to see if he was okay. {I've found something!} He announced.

It was part of an Analise spaceship. We went in and demorphed. A strong smell assaulted our nostrils.

"Rotten...cheese," Marcus gasped. All of us passed out.

When I awoke, there was a Racon Screem pointed at me.

{Don't move, or I'll tickle you,} said a silent speak voice, and I saw the Analise holding the Racon Screem.

"I won't move," Rochelle promised.

{How did you humans get the power to morph?} the Analise demanded.

"Prince Fang Roar gave it to us," Jack said.

{No! Fang Roar was my brother the all mighty and unfailing Prince who could do no wrong! He would never do that!}

"He gave it to us so we could save the world from the Jerks."

{Oh. In that case it's all right. My name is Waxmili Sargouth Silnil.}

"Um. Hi Wax," Marcus said, not even bothering with the rest of the name.

"I'm Jack, that's Marcus, Casey, and Rochelle. We have another member named Toby who's stuck as a can opener and couldn't come."

{He's a Thilnit.}

"A who?" I asked.

{A Thilnit. A being stuck in morph,} Wax explained.

"We have to get out of here," Jack said. "The Jerks are probably coming soon...Wax, do you have any ocean morphs?"

{I can morph a soup can.}

"Great. Let's go," said Jack.

We swam/floated/glided for about ten minutes when we spotted the giant chairs floating in the water.

{Those are Naxnons,} said Wax. {They are voluntary Jerks.}

{We have to move fast,} said Jack. {We can probably outswim them if they see us.}

But the Naxnons didn't see us. We got back to the beach safely. When we morphed back, we stashed the frilly pink nightgowns in the duffel bag we had hidden in Toby's tree. I'd discovered that if you wear skintight clothes when you morph, they're still on when you demorph, underneath the nightgowns.

"Wax, this is Toby. Toby, this is Wax, Fang Roar's brother," Jack said.

{Pleased to meet you,} Toby said politely.

Wax demorphed, then remorphed to egg beater, and we carried him to the woods behind my house.

That is the story of how our friend Wax joined us.


	3. #3-- The Strange Stranger

*A/N This episode parodies book number seven*

Kitchenmorphs #3-- "The Strange Stranger"

My name is Rochelle. I can't tell you any more than that or else I'll be tickled by the Jerks. OR you might start stalking me. You weirdo.

My story is about time, and the choices that the Kitchenmorphs had to face.

It all started one not-so-sunny day, when I was reading a magazine and trying new hairstyles.

My dad burst into my room.

"Roach...why is your hair spiked?" My dad asked, regarding my attempt at a mohawk.

"Girl stuff Dad," I replied.

"Oooookay! Anyway Rochelle! I am moving away, really far away, to Timbuktu! Do you want to come? It will be fun!" he said, in an overenthusiastic voice.

I stared at him. It was bad enough that he and Mom were divorced, but Timbuktu???

"Dad, I--"

"No, no. Don't answer me yet. You have one day, four hours, six minutes, and three seconds."

"Three seconds??!!"

"Four then."

"That's better. Bye Dad." He left me to my thoughts.

Jack called all of two seconds later and I cursed his crappy timing. He told me to meet him and the others at Casey's restaurant.

I forgot to fix my hair, and when I met them they all laughed.

"Shut up," I growled, sounding more dangerous than usual.

"We found a new Jerk Jacuzzi entrance," Jack announced.

"Oh YES!" I yelled. "Let's kick some Jerk butt! Chop up those filthy frogs and eat them for breakfast! Squish them like bugs! Poke out their brains! Rip off their legs! Chop up their--"

"Rochelle, calm down. Someone might be listening! Do you want to know the details, or destroy everything in sight?" asked Jack.

"DESTROY EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!" I yelled.

"I was being sarcastic! Sit down and listen!"

I narrowed my eyes angrily, but I did sit down.

"Okay. The entrance is in a telephone pole. Toby saw some people going in there. If that isn't Jerk like, I'm a French Fry," Jack said. "We're going to morph ants."

"Ants aren't in a kitchen!" Marco cried. "This is insane! This is beyond insane! This is so insane that it doesn't even classify as insane!"

"Whoa, hold on a minute Marcus," Casey said. "Ants ARE in kitchens, here at the restaurant we have MAJOR problems with them."

"Fine fine, but please stop talking in caps lock," Marcus grumbled.

Toby, the can opener of our group, was lying on the table, and Wax the soup can was beside him.

{I can't come on this mission,} Toby grumbled. {It seems like I can't come on any of the missions.}

"Toby, it's okay You found the entrance and that was really helpful!" I said.

{Not really.}

"It was too!"

{Was not.}

"Too!"

{Not.}

"Too!"

{Not.}

"Not this again!" Jack yelled in frustration.

"Sorry."

{Me too.}  
"Toby, just let me have the last word for once!"

{No.}

Jack made a screaming noise and Toby and I shut up.

When we finally located a couple of ants on the kitchen floor, we acquired them. Ants must be the official kitchen bug, because we didn't have problems morphing them at all.

We went to the telephone pole, and left Toby outside with our bag of clothes. Wax had already morphed ant in a safe spot, and we all morphed as well.

{We really shouldn't have morphed intelligent beings,} Casey complained. {Now I feel guilty.}

We crawled into the telephone pole, and went underground to the Jerk Jacuzzi.

When we got there, I looked around. It looked the same as it had last time, when Toby had stayed in morph for two days and gotten stuck.

I hate the Jerks, I thought. I was pretty sure I was beginning to froth at the mouth until I remembered I was an ant.

{What now?} I asked.

{We spy,} Jack said.

{What? You mean we don't get to find a safe place to demorph then remorph to battle mode and make the Jerks' worst nightmares come true?}

{No, Rochelle, we spy.}

{Jack, you are so unimaginative.}

At that moment, a giant chair-like creature that we knew to be a Naxnon picked us up. Unfortunately for us, it seems that Naxnons have an appetite for bugs.

{We're going to get eaten!} Marcus wailed.

{Don't point out the obvious you cretin!} I yelled.

We were millimeters from the Naxnon's mouth when everything stopped. Time stopped. For everyone except us, that is.

We found ourselves in the middle of a room, five humans and an Analise.

Five humans.

"TOBY!" I yelled, and then I ran and bear hugged him. He gasped for air and I thought I heard one of his ribs crack, so I backed away.

"Hi Rochelle," he gasped.

Then there was a loud bang, and a purple door floated above our heads.

{Jellynist!} Wax hissed.

'You're right, Waxmili! Smart, for an Analise...' the door said, with a strange voice that seemed to come from the very air. 'Hello Kitchenmorphs. I am a Jellynist, a being that can control time. I can cook too, which is a great feet for a door! I also sell vacuum cleaners, only twenty-nine ninety-five! Plus tax. I have come here to give you a choice!'

"We're not really interested in vacuum cleaners," Jack said.

'No, not that sort of choice!' the Jellynist exclaimed. 'You and a few select humans can come to a new planet and the human race will survive, or you can stay here and continue your fight...which you will LOSE!'

"Some choice," Marcus muttered.

"You know for sure that we'll lose?" Jack asked.

'Well, not for sure, but I've got fifty bucks riding on it,' the Jellynist replied.

"If we say n, what will you do?" I asked.

'You'll go back to being eaten and Toby will go back to being a can opener,' the Jellynist said.

"Going is looking better all the time!" Marcus said cheerfully.

"I don't mind being a can opener, really," Toby said bravely.

"If we decide to go back, Toby will you come and hurt the Naxnon so he drops us and doesn't eat us?" Jack asked.

"Yes."

"I vote stay. I don't want to be saved with only a few select humans when there is a chance that we can save the whole race," I said.

"Rochelle's right. My vote is stay," Jack said.

{Stay,} said Wax. {Although my vote does not count on this one. I just follow Prince Jack.}

You could practically see Jack's head swell when Wax called him Prince.

"Well, if Rochelle is staying, then I'm staying too," Marcus said. "I refuse to be outdone by a bloodthirsty witch!"

"HEY!" I yelled and had to be restrained from throttling him.

Casey looked thoughtful, as usual. "Going might not be so bad. But on the other hand, Rochelle is right. We should try to save all of humanity. Stay."

"Stay," Toby said.

'It is decided. You made the right choice. I had hoped you would. The humans are in good hands. Fang Roar made the right decision. I will give you a helpful tip; the Kantdrowna can be destroyed by pouring orange juice all over it.' Then the Jellynist was gone, and I was an ant again.

A few seconds later, just as we are about to be swallowed, the Naxnon screamed in pain and we flew out of his mouth.

{I'm heeeeeeere!} Toby yelled. We all left the Jerk Jacuzzi as fast as we could, and Toby let us crawl on his back so he could fly us away.

We found a safe spot to demorph and removed our frilly nightgowns, shivering with cold in our skintight clothing. We got the other clothes we had stashed there, and Wax morphed to egg beater.

The next day, my dad was getting ready to leave.

"You're sure you don't want to come? You'd meet lots of new friends!"

"No, Dad, I have stuff to do here."

He shrugged, and got in his car.

"I'll visit on holidays," he said, and drove off.

Marcus, with Toby the can opener in his hands, came out of the woods.

{You could have gone,} said Toby.

"No, I have to stay with you guys."

"Such loyalty. I'm so...touched," Marcus said, and he began to cry.

"We have to save the world," I said, and promptly tripped and fell headfirst into the bush.

And we do have to save the world. That's what the Jellynist tried to tell us. It's our job. And maybe...maybe we have a chance now that we know about the Kantdrowna. And I've finally perfected my mohawk!


	4. #4-- The Predator Who's Related to Me!

*A/N And in this episode, the lovely characters will directly parody book #5!!*

Kitchenmorphs #4-- "The Predator Who's Related to ME!"

It all started when Wax got homesick. When an alien gets homesick, you're really in for disaster.

My name is Marcus. You know I can't tell you my last name or where I live because the Jerks are all around me. They could be anyone. You might even be a Jerk!

I used to hate fighting the Jerks...but now, I have a reason.

One day we all met at Casey's restaurant. Jack told me it was important. (He ALWAYS said it was important no matter what, so I tended not to believe him)

When I arrived, everyone else was already there...Jack, Casey, Rochelle, Toby the can opener, and Wax the soup can. Jack is the leader of our group; Casey is the one concerned with morals, Rochelle is just bloodthirsty, Toby's a Thilnit...and Wax is an Analise. Me? I'm sarcastic and I like the word insane.

"We have a problem," Casey announced. "Wax wants to go home."

"Go home?" asked Rochelle.

"Yeah, home as in the Analise planet," Jack said.

{I will tell them that the Earth is in worse trouble than first thought,} said Wax.

"How are we going to get him home?" I asked.

{We'll steal a Jerk ship. I know a help signal I can send out, I just need some equipment,} Wax said.

"Wonderful, sounds like suicide," I muttered. "I'd rather have my guts boiled in vinegar.."

"Oh, come on Marcus. Wax is going to morph ant and come with us to the mall to pick up his supplies."

"Who's us?"

"You and me."

"I was afraid of that..."

"Casey and Rochelle are busy, and we really can't take a can opener with us," Jack pointed out.

"I hate it when you're right," I muttered.

"Let's get going. We'll go to the woods first so Wax can demorph, then go to ant."

When Wax was an ant and carefully stored in my pocket, Jack and I took him to the mall. We picked up his supplies and brought them back to the woods behind Casey's house, where Wax set the whole thing up.

Unfortunately the next day was a Saturday, and we were all expected to attend this little gathering and watch Wax do his work.

We were all morphed to battle mode, just in case. I hate "just in case," I really do.

Rochelle was a pair of scissors, Jack was a knife, Casey was a frying pan and I was a pot of boiling water. Toby was himself, a can opener, and Wax was himself the Analise. Wax sent out the signal and morphed to fork.

{Send a ship please!} he sent.

A few minutes later a ship appeared, and a couple Fork-Unclear came out. We made short work of them.

When we went in, we found a trap waiting for us. Racon Screems were pointed at us from every direction. If we even slightly moved, we would be tickled.

Spitter 27 was in the crowd of Naxnons and Fork-Unclear. He stepped forward.

{Foolish Analise! That signal was changed a year ago!} he said. {And besides, we never say please! We're Jerks!}

Jack said some very creative words that I don't feel comfortable repeating, and Wax began to cry .

{Now I will take you all to Spitter 29, the most powerful of all Spitters!}

{If we ever get out of this alive,} Rochelle growled, {I will personally rip the Jerks from their throats with my bare hands!}

{Rochelle...calm down,} said Casey.

Four Fork-Unclear moved behind us and pointed their Racon Screems at us. Spitter 27 led us to a dark room and locked us in.

Wax was still crying.

{Wax, cut it out,} Jack said, annoyed.

{Sorry, Prince Jack.}

We all felt Jack's ego expanding. {Now, we have to think of something to get us out of here,} Jack said.

A couple of hours passed, but we couldn't think of one darned thing.

We were taken to a huge ship, at least ten times larger than the first one.

{This is the Jerks' main ship, the Big Ship!} Wax exclaimed. We were then locked in another dark room.

{This is getting a little tedious,} I muttered.

{Tedious is an understatement! I'm bloody annoyed! Let me at them I'm going to kill them all!}

{Rochelle, please,} Jack said.

We waited a little while, and that's when it happened.

Spitter 27 walked in with seven Fork-Unclear.

{Now, Analise scum, I present to you...} A drum roll sounded in the distance...{Spitter 29!}

A woman walked in, and if I'd had any internal organs, I would have barfed them up.

The woman was my mother's brother's sister's cousin's aunt's half-brother's brother-in-law's former cousin Jim's best friend's worst enemy's Aunt Gertrude!

But Gertrude was supposed to be dead. She was killed in a bungee jumping accident two years previous.

{No,} I whispered.

{Marcus, stay calm,} Jack said so only I could hear. He was the only one who knew that it was Gertrude.

{It's Gertrude! It's my mother's brother's sister's cousin's aunt's half-brother's brother-in-law's former cousin Jim's best friend's worst enemy's Aunt Gertrude!}

{No, it's not. She's being controlled by a Jerk. It's not really her, Marcus.}

{But...}

{I know how you feel...my own brother is a Jerk! We'll rescue your mother's brother's sister's cousin's aunt's half brother's brother-in-law's former cousin Jim's best friend's worst enemy's Aunt Gertrude and Tim someday, I promise!}

{Jack, don't tell the others. I don't want them to know.}

{Okay, Marcus.}

That's when my mother's brother's--That's when Gertrude...Spitter 29, started talking.

"So these are the Analise who have been causing so many problems."

{Yes. I captured them all, all by myself!} Spitter 27 said proudly.

Spitter 29 smiled cruelly at us, then turned to him. "I wan them kept here until they are trapped in morph. I want them destroyed, not infested." With that she walked out, with the Fork-Unclear and Spitter 27 close behind.

{Guys, I have an idea,} Jack said. {We could demorph, then morph ant and crawl out of here, find that other ship, and Wax could fly us home!}

{That's absolutely insane!} I wailed. 

{Do you have a better idea?}

{Nope.}

{Then SHUT UP!}

{So let's go!} Rochelle growled. {Oh...but what about Toby?}

{You guys have to do what you have to do. You can leave me hwere, as long as there's a chance of you guysfighitng those jerks, and saving the world,} Toby said. Violins played somewhere in the distance.

But we never got to go through with the plan.

Spitter 29 walked into the room, alone, and armed with a Racon Screem.

"Hello, Analise. I'm going to let you go. You see, that would make trouble for Spitter 27. I like making trouble for Spitter 27. I want to get repeated revenge on him for totalling my car. I TOLD HIM THAT HE COULDN'T DRIVE WITH THOSE HOOVES OF HIS BUT HE DIDN'T LISTEN!" Spitter 29 had tears in her eyes. "My poor car...Anyway, if you escape and no one knows it is my doing, Spitter 27 will be blamed. That means...He has to use the outhouse for a week!"

We all gasped at the cruelty of the punishment.

"Just go down the hall and take your fist left. My troops are all in the pool hall, but some of Spittter 27's might be on the lookout. You'll find a spaceship waiting that even the you Analise will know how to fly it. Good luck." With that, she left, sobbing about her totaled car.

{This is too good!} Rochelle yelled. {We can escape because she has a personal grudge against Spitter 27!}

{Do you think it's a trap?} asked Toby.

{Why would it be?} I asked. {She obviously hates Spitter 27, and letting us go will make him look really bad.}

{Marcus is right,} Jack said. 

{THEN LET'S GO!} Rochelle yelled, and we went.

We ran into two of Spitter 27's Fork-Unclear, but Rochelle and Jack took care of them. We found the spaceship, and Wax demorphed and flew us back to Earth. When we got there I could barely restrain myself from kissing the dirt. In fact, I didn't restrain myself. Everyone laughed at me but I made rude gestures in their direction for retribution! MWAHAHAHAHA!

We went home, and all got grounded for staying out past midnight. Crap on our parents for not being able to know that we're actually saving the world!

Someday, I'll rescue my mother's...Someday I'll rescue Gertrude, and then my state of mind will finally be restored to semi normal.

Until then, I fight the Jerks as best I can. And say the word insane a lot.


	5. #5-- The Change. Sort of.

*A/N This little chapter parodies book #13!!*

Kitchenmorphs #5-- "The Change. Sort of."

My name is Toby. I'm a can opener. It' snot all bad. I can open cans. When I was human I always had daydreams about opening cans. I'm a can opener because I stayed in morph for over two days. I'm a Thilnit. I will be human for two and a half hours on the first of July. Until then...I'm a can opener.

Opening cans is an exhausting job. You never know when someone is going to open a can. It could be totally unexpected. Especially where I lived, in Jack's house. His dad believes in midnight snacks like a can of soup.

I live in a drawer in Jack's kitchen. Sometimes I spy on his brother Tim, who is a Jerk.

I wouldn't mind being human again. But when I was human, I was passed back and forth between my Aunt Bob and Uncle Sue, who both didn't have time for me. My mother was supposedly dead, and my father had run away with his secretary to a casino when I was two.

My life was pretty messed up back then. But hey, this is coming from can opener! My life now is probably the most messed up you can get!

I really miss eating. It sounds stupid to those of you who take having mouths and stomachs for granted, but if you were a can opener you'd understand.

I have a story about how my life got even weirder.

It all started one day when I listened in to a conversation Tim was having on the phone.

"I don't know what we're going to do. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Two free Fork-Unclear!" Tim said into the phone. "Yes, we're sending out a search party. No, I haven't got a date for tonight. I'm a Jerk, and so are you, so you'd better start acting like one!" He slammed the receiver down, then stomped out of the kitchen grumbling about the stupidity of inferior Jerks.

{Jack!} I yelled in silent speak. {Come to the kitchen and call everyone! I have news! I just overheard Tim on the phone and he said two Fork-Unclear are free!}

Jack came running and called everyone, arranging another of our impromptu meetings at Casey's restaurant.

"Isn't this the slightest bit suspicious? Tim isn't stupid, he wouldn't yell that on the phone when someone might be listening," Marcus said.

"Unless he was forced to by some otherworldly force that can force people to say things," said Rochelle.

"Um....yes," Jack said. "Rochelle, I think you should stop watching late night sci-fi movies. Anyway, even though it is suspicious, it's a chance we're going to have to take."

"Free Fork-Unclear," Casey said dreamily. "Imagine, being free after all that time! Being able to run and jump and play!"

Everyone stared at Casey. She blushed. "Sorry."

"Let's get going. Battle mode everyone. We don't know what we have to face," said Jack.

Once they were morphed in a safe spot, we floated around in the woods for a while, with no specific direction in mind.

All of a sudden, I had a vision. I saw a clearing with two Fork-Unclear in it.

{This way guys, I just had a vision,} I said, and flew ahead. Sure enough, we came to a clearing and saw two Fork-Unclear sitting (if slot-machine-like beings CAN sit) on a log.

{What do you mean a vision?} Jack asked.

{It just popped into my head. I don't know why,} I replied.

Suddenly, everyone was gone. I was floating in purple mist, all alone.

Suddenly, the purple door called the Jellynist appeared. He spoke in his strange voice.

'Toby, I have chosen you. You are going to help me lead the Fork-Unclear safely to a special place. I will reward you.'

{Reward me?}

'With anything you want,' the Jellynist said.

{You know what I want.}

'Yes, Toby. A pretty girl and a red sports car. Oh no wait, that was the other client. Go back to your friends now, Toby.'

And I was back with my friends. I said nothing about what had just happened, and followed as Jack led us to the Fork-Unclear.

{We are friends, if you aren't Jerks. If you are...we're your worst nightmare,} he said to them.

"No Jerks, we are free! Jerk-free! Free of Jerks! Jerkless! Non Jerks!" said the first Fork-Unclear.

"Yes, free free free free free free free free free free freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" yelled the second.

{What are your names?} asked Casey.

"I am Weer Doh," said the first.

"And I am Stew Pid," said the second.

Marcus started to laugh. He laughed and laughed. Until he realized they were serious.

"Whoops, sorry guys," he said. They looked a little angry.

I decided that now was the time to bring up my earlier conversation with the Jellynist.

{Guys, a few minutes ago the Jellynist appeared and he gave me a vision of where I should take the Fork-Unclear.}

{Why didn't you tell us?} Rochelle demanded.

{We were busy.}

{Can you lead us there?} asked Jack.

{Yes. Follow me.} We started off, and a little while later we had a run in with some Naxnons. They managed to get Stew Pid away, but we desperately fought to save Weer Doh.

Then, it happened. One minute I was slicing a Naxnon's leg, and the next I was in a different clearing. I saw Stew Pid, and realized that the Jellynist had brought me there.

I fought off the two Naxnons who had Stew Pid, and gave Stew Pid directions to get out of there. Then I landed on the ground for a break. When I tried to get up, I found I was stuck in the mud. This may sound silly for all of you who have never been a can opener stuck in the mud, but for me it was terrifying.

'Use your power, Toby. Remember early on you acquired a toaster?'

I was startled by the Jellynist's voice. I was confused for a moment, then I morphed into the toaster I had acquired long ago.

I flew up off the ground and I found my friends.

{Hi guys,} I said.

{Toby??} Rochelle asked.

{I wanted the Jellynist to make me human, but he gave me back my morphing power.} I demorphed to can opener. 

{Guys, we really have to get going,} Jack said. I led them the rest of the way to the Jellynist's valley.

"Thank you," said Weer Doh.

"Yes, thank you. We appreciate your help," said Stew Pid. "Be sure to visit."

"Yes!" agreed Weer Doh. "And send us post cards! They are tasty."

We left the two Fork-Unclear, and headed home.

That night in Jack's kitchen drawer, the Jellynist appeared to me again.

'Hello, Toby.'

{I thought you were going to make me human!}

'You can become human on Thursdays, Saturdays, and Mondays,' said the Jellynist. 'That is the best I could do, and the second part of your reward.'

{Can I have the pretty girl and the sports car?}

'Don't push your luck, Toby.'

So now I can fight the Jerks with my friends, because I have my morphing power back. And on Mondays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, I can morph human and go to the mall and eat junk food. Occasionally I go to Casey's restaurant and eat healthy food.

My life isn't normal, but I survive.

And we will win the war...

I think.

*A/N I have one more written from Wax's point of view, but it's even dumber than the rest, so I might not be posting it.*


	6. #6--The Drowning of the Kantdrowna

*A/N Okay so this episode DOESN'T directly parody any of the books. Remember in book #7 when they went after the Kandrona? That's sort of what this one is based on. I don't like this one as much as the others, but it completes the series, so here goes*

Kitchenmorphs #6-- "The Drowning of the Kantdrowna"

My name is Waxmili Sargouth Silnil. I am going to tell you the most wondrous story in the world. (I am in it. It has to be wonderful!)

It all started at another of Prince Jack's meetings at Casey's restaurant. As usual, I was a soup can.

Toby had found a suspicious looking barbed wire fence that people walked through daily. It would be painful to walk through real barbed wire, I would think. Toby suspected holographic technology.

"Can the Jerks use holograms?" Prince Jack asked.

{Yes, but nowhere near as advanced as the Analise technology,} I boasted. They ignored it.

"Now we have to go and check this place out," Marcus grumbled. "This is insane. INSANE!"

They ignored his whining as well. 

"It was my night for dishes, but I guess I'll have to sneak out again," Casey sighed. 

"Who cares?" yelled Rochelle, jumping up. "Let's go and kill some Jerks!" She began to dance around chanting "Kill the Jerks!"

"Rochelle...sit down," Jack said.

Rochelle grumbled as she sat.

"The plan: We morph blenders and go through the barbed wire fence," Jack said.

"Aren't blenders slightly large?" asked Marcus.

"Oh fine! We'll morph to forks, then."

When we were all ready, Toby led us to the fence.

{This is it. Let's go in,} Toby said.

We flew through the barbed wire, and entered a pinkish colored world. There was pink mist everywhere. It was very pink.

{Oooo pink,} Rochelle said. {It makes me think of...beating people up!}

I noticed the greenish-blue cloudlike object in the middle of the room and pointed it out to the others. {It is the Kantdrowna.}

{Wow! We finally found it!} Rochelle yelled excitedly. {We can destroy it and make all the filthy Jerks suffer miserably!}

{Rochelle, calm down,} Prince Jack said. {And stop stabbing the Kantdrowna. Remember what the Jellynist said? It can only be destroyed by orange juice.}

{Oh yeah. WELL LET'S GO GET SOME ORANGE JUICE THEN!}

{Rochelle...you're talking in caps lock again,} Marcus said, wincing.

{I CAN TALK EVEN LOUDER YOU KNOW. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FIND A BIGGER FONT.}

{Never mind!!}

{Guys, cut it out! We have to go back to the restaurant and get some orange juice,} Prince Jack said.

So we all left the Kantdrowna, and Prince Jack spent an hour puzzling over the dilemma. Finally, I gave my perfect and wonderful solution.

{Why not morph juice containers, fill up with orange juice, then go?}

"Wow, Wax, you're brilliant!" Prince Jack exclaimed.

{I know I am,} I said modestly.

Jack thought for a moment. "Okay. This is how it goes. We all morph juice pitchers, dunk ourselves into the jugs of orange juice, and fill up. Then we go back to the Kantdrowna and drown it!"

By the time we found the correct pitcher to acquire, it was time for everyone to go home. I went to my home too, my new home in the woods behind Casey's house. I made myself a little hut out of cheese blocks. It is a very nice hut, with many good qualities. Any time I get hungry, I merely have to nibble on the walls.

It was there that I found Toby the can opener that night.

{Toby! What are you doing here?}

{I'm so tired of living in the drawer! I just wanted a break,} Toby said. He morphed to blender. {Wanna make milkshakes?}

I decided that Toby was either very lonely, very strange, or very bored. I made banana milkshakes, and thankfully it was Saturday, so he morphed to human and we drank them together.

The following day, we morphed to juice pitcher, filed up with orange juice, and prepared for our mission.

We went back to the barbed wire and entered the pink mist. The orange juice set off an alarm.

{Quickly!} Prince Jack yelled.

{Be careful! You must pour it all at once or it will not work!} I cried.

{How do you know that?}

{I am an all mighty and all knowing Analise. My brilliant intellect is always correct.}

{Wax! HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?}

{Fang Roar told me about it.}  
{Thank you.}

And so we all poured the orange juice on the Kantdrowna simultaneously.

The Kantdrowna was beginning to smoke when the Naxnons and Fork-Unclear showed up. We fought them off as best we could, but were unable to demorph first, or they would have seen that the others were actually human. Toby did not have that problem, so he demorphed then remorphed to a steak knife and cleared the way for us.

It was a narrow escape, but we made it out just before the Kantdrowna exploded and shattered the building it was in to pieces.

{THAT WAS GREAT!} roared Rochelle. {LET'S DO IT AGAIN!}

{Right Rochelle...next time, we leave you in the building,} Marcus muttered.

{I HEARD THAT YOU DORK!} she screamed, and began to attack him.

I shook my head at the immaturity, until I realized that I was still a juice pitcher and had no head to shake.

{Well...that was an adventure,} Casey said.

{We always have adventures now. We're the Kitchenmorphs. A really bad spoof of the Animorphs. My apologies to Jake, Rachel, Tobias, Cassie, Marco, and Ax. You guys are great and parodying you was hilarious.}

Toby demorphed, then remorphed to blender. {Anyone wanna make milkshakes?}

THE END


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